The Storm

8 min read | Perspective | Concept

Feeling Depressed? That’s Normal.

I can tell you’re either in a state of weariness, or recognize someone who is – as you click on this article in hopes of some relief, solace, and understanding, even if for a brief moment. I know this because I am that person too; searching for tiny moments of relief during the world’s current state.

You’ve probably endured a lot the last month or so having to adjust to new normals, working from home, and re-learning how to do routine things. Honestly, it’s a lot of change for anyone. It’s no surprise that you may be dealing with anxiety or depression during this season. I hope you don’t feel the need to hide this new set of emotions from loved ones, or push past it in a sense of productivity. These feelings are normal, and in fact, even good.

You’re in the midst of a storm, complete with difficult feelings – a heavy weight on your chest, feeling like you’re spiraling into total chaos. I know these feelings because I used to live in that storm too. I completely understand the hurt and franticness you’re enduring right now. Although the world can feel really hopeless, know that you’re not alone in this. I want to tell you about my own personal journey through depression as a Christian and a creative because I hope to give you some insight on how to overcome any newfound feelings of weariness or tension.

Lost Amidst Darkness

My roommate and I were hanging out one evening about three months ago. While catching up on the day’s events, she looked at me and asked, “Rachel, what’s your favorite characteristic of God?” I had never been asked that question before, but I immediately knew my answer. I was choking back tears, reminiscing on a recent journey I had endured with God, as I was articulating my answer – “I love that no matter how long or far you walk away from Him, He’s there waiting for you when you make your way back. But He’ll also walk head-first into a storm to find you and rescue you.” God is so wildly loyal to us, I still get teary-eyed to this day thinking about how the Creator of the universe seeks us out when we find ourselves lost.

Back in 2015, I was in the middle of my sophomore year of college, unaware of the fact that I was about to enter into three years of a deep, dark depression mixed with high anxiety. It completely blindsided me, and I started to fail classes, lose jobs and friends, and honestly didn’t feel like getting out of bed most mornings. Life felt pointless, I felt completely alone, and everything felt like it was spiraling out of my control. I just wanted to grab onto something so I could get a grip and feel some kind of sturdiness over what was happening to me mentally.

It’s now 2020, and I really wish I could tell you I fought hard to find my way out of that storm, but honestly I didn’t. I was truly lost for a long time, being tossed to-and-fro by the gusts of wind. Crying out – “God where are you in all of this?” – but the fog was so thick I couldn’t see anything around me, completely lost in new territory so unknown to me. I believe that God saw me come to the end of self-guidance and also saw that I was beginning to get angry with Him, questioning why I had to be the one to endure this. Why everyone else seemed so put together and happy all the time. Finally, after about two and a half years of sadness, anger, and frustration, I finally let go of my hard emotions and pride. My exhausted self asked Him to help guide me out. God walked head first into the storm and took me through it to its end. Leading me to push forward and make my way to a brighter, clearer space.

Your journey with anxiety or depression may be new or maybe it's been a long battle. Something I learned during my time in that headspace was that when you enter into a storm there are two ways out of it and there’s a reason why God doesn’t come and rescue you as soon as you enter it. The directions you can go are either: 1) back the way you came or 2) through it to its end. The former may lead you to old paths that bring you right back into the midst of the storm. The latter is harder than the first, but you will have endured a tough journey, and you’ll be stronger and see things more clearly on the other side. The reason God allows us to enter these trying journeys is to give us an opportunity of faith and love amidst all the pain. Pain and darkness make love and light so much brighter. I’m weirdly thankful that I endured that depression for so long because now I’m so utterly appreciative for each day, opportunity, and person that comes into my life. That pain and darkness I held for years allowed me to become stronger, but I also realized that I wasn’t built to be self-dependent. I’m not meant to go through this journey on my own – something I had to learn the long, and hard way, but glad I learned it nonetheless.

The reason God allows us to enter these trying journeys is to give us an opportunity of faith and love amidst all the pain. Pain and darkness make love and light so much brighter.

Navigating Tough Terrain

Let’s be realistic. We all have those friends or family members who mean well when they attempt to comfort us by saying, “look on the bright side” or “just try not to be anxious.” But to be honest, those lines can be more frustrating than helpful in these situations because it’s not always that easy. The fogginess you may be experiencing makes things feel so difficult. Trying to navigate on your own can leave you spinning in circles. Instead of those tired expressions, I want to tell you that you are cared for and people really do love you. If you feel alone, that’s the enemy trying to grasp on and tell you lies. Lies I honestly used to believe too. The truth is, you’re really not alone during this season.

One thing I will encourage you to do, is what I wish I did when I was first dealing with depression and anxiety. Instead of trying to hide away and deal with these hard feelings on your own, reach out to someone you trust. We’re all humans and we all get sad, and lonely, and we fail and feel like life is falling apart. We need to recognize those feelings more amongst each other, and stop hiding them away like they’re shameful, or say that it’s all for attention purposes. Bringing up these emotions with a trusted friend, mentor, or close group more often makes them seem less scary.

We’re all humans and we all get sad, and lonely, and we fail and feel like life is falling apart. We need to recognize those feelings more amongst each other, and stop hiding them away like they’re shameful, or say that it’s all for attention purposes.

For me, I attempted to keep up a happy and successful facade for three years, but I knew that it was all empty on the inside. I never felt more sad than when I was pretending to be happy and covering up my failures. My healing came in that In-N-Out booth as I teary-eyed, sitting across from my dad, confessed that I’ve been struggling for years. It was in that hard phone call to my mom saying, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore, it’s all just too difficult” as she sat and talked with me for hours until I was calm. It came while walking on my aunt and uncle’s farm one spring as they began to ask me how I was doing. When I drove to the Grand Canyon on a whim of anxiety – for those two days on the road it was just me and God working through all the fears and lies I was letting in for so long. There truly are people who love you and cherish you and a consistent God who is always ready with a listening ear. A simple message of “hey, I’m not feeling 100%, and just need to talk to someone right now,” is the first step for healing.

I also hope you don’t feel ashamed or timid when you expose all those feelings. I know afterwards you may feel like shrinking back into a cave because vulnerability can be a scary thing –you’re exposing your true self to someone! But vulnerability will bring about healing and clarity that nothing else can. Be satisfied in the fact that you took that step and reached out and shared a deep part of yourself with someone; it’s an incredibly brave thing for you to do.

But vulnerability will bring about healing and clarity that nothing else can.

A Sturdy Grip

During that swirling chaos, I tried to find something to stabilize an unstable environment; but everything material and worldly that I grasped onto just ended up just being slippery and flimsy. I learned that God is the ultimate sturdy grip we can hold onto. God wants to bless us with peace and light, it’s right there in Psalms 23:1-4:
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

So continue to go to God during these times, He won’t fail you, I promise.

He saw me when I was hiding away. He sat with me through every long night and each morning’s battle getting out of bed. He was there through it all, and never left me and He’s never left you. There’s something comforting in the idea that there’s someone willing to support you through all of it. Even the ugly parts. For me, I just didn’t realize this until later on looking back. He was always there. Sturdy and reliable. God is there with you now, through it all. He wants to give you a blessing of green pastures and calm waters. He’s not gone; He’s just waiting for you to call on Him and invite Him in to what you’re going through.

The Eventual Light

Even though you may be enduring depression and anxiety right now, just know that there will be that eventual light. I haven’t dealt with any depression or anxiety for about two years now. The clearing outside the storm is truly made of green pastures and calm waters, just like God promises. Just know that it’s so worth it when you get out of those hard places. Keep fighting and talking and praying about it.

Note From The Author

Because I truly know the pain and shame depression can cause, I mean it when I say that I want to help you. I will leave my email here if you need someone safe to reach out to that isn’t a friend or family member. Just know that I’m in your corner, hoping you continue to fight the fight and are continuing to navigate through this season of your storm, and find that light again. I’m praying for you on your journey!